Bittersweet Nostalgia

Looking back over old photos in my camera roll I feel a bitter sweet nostalgia. Like life has somehow already passed me by. I have not yet lived 3 decades, but memories have a way of making one feel lost, cast out. 

I have been experiencing body dismorphia and I have always struggled to see myself the way others do. I know I have often been considered attractive, but my eyes struggle to find the beauty until years later, when I look at the photos and realise how fortunate I was. In 10 years, will I look back on today with the same feelings? 

I know my life has been more complicated than some, and much less than others. To me, it feels like a thousand lives have passed. Like I have cycled through eras of light and dark a hundred times. Only now am I finding some stability. 

If the last 2 years have taught me anything, it is that stability is more often than not, a mindset. And not one that is easily achieved. I would not wish my journey on anyone, but I am still glad to have reached the present day. 

I have a long way to go, and am only just starting to see a finish line on the horizon. Hope is such a powerful thing, but until you can see the golden ribbon of happiness in the distance, true hope remains an elusive whisper. 

For those who understand the strength it takes to find that hope, over and over again, we are none of us alone. Choosing to show up for myself, radically accepting that what I cannot change, and changing that which is accessible for me has been the only way to find my heading. Now, as I lay in bed, I find I still need reminding that acceptance includes everything. From my neurodivergent brain, to the weight I have gained due to skill regression and even the maladaptive coping mechanisms that kept me safe when I didn’t know how. I remind myself to be grateful, for myself, for my awareness, for my safety in this moment. Tomorrow, I will simply do my best, as I do everyday, and that is enough. Tomorrow, I continue to learn how to accept myself, I continue to learn how to understand myself and I continue to learn how to be happy.